Humor
Orgasm-isms
A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they
were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and
then examine it under the microscope.
But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the
professor what they were.
"Those are sperm cells."
Just A Juggalo
A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a
broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of
knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the
man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time,
a car with two guys in it drives by.
"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These
new sobriety tests are hard."
Genesis
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What
is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn''t have
anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always
agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never
ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will
not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you''''ve
had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you
love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will this ''''woman'''' cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Lipstick at School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then
there are educators...
The Shiny-Walled
Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls
that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea
what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair
rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the
lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and
his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped
out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
Juicy Squirt
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over
there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something
for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle
of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Osama's Ride
Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they
stopped at a small town.
Bin Laden got off the camel and lifted up its tail and looked at the camel's
butt.
Just then a guy came over and said, "What are you doing?"
Osama replied, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at
the two assholes on that camel.'"
Kids and Animals
There was this teacher who was teaching young kids the different types of
animals, she showed them the picture of a giraffe, and asked them what it
was. Nobody answered..so she gave them a clue, ''It has a long neck.'' One
kid answered, "Giraffe!" Pleased, the teacher showed a picture of
a zebra. Nobody answered it again, so she gave them a clue. ''This animal
has stripes.'' "Zebra!" one kid answered. So she put up another
one, that of a deer. The teacher could not think of a clue..but suddenly she
came up with one!..she asked them ''what does your mother call your father?''
Suddenly one child got up and answered ''HORNY BASTARD!''
Urinate
Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was
the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, “Okay class,
we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll
start with Sarah.”
Sarah said, “Cows have spots.
Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport.”
Carla said, “Computers are electronic.”
Bobby said, “Urinate.”
Mrs. Flebs said, “Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.”
Bobby said, “Not ‘urinate’, it's you're an eight. And if
you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.”
Guess Who
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing
at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him
and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
Redneck Goes to College
A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money to go to college and after
about 3 years he came back home. They were sitting around the dinner table
when the dad said, ''Well son, you done gone to college so you must be perty
smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?''
''Ok, Pa'', the son said then, ''Pi R squared.''
After a moment the Dad said, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie
are round, cornbread are square.''
Dr. Feelgood
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could
not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams,
psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy
to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop
at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take
off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you
make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must
crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across
the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love
pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They
told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he
felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same
battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you,
so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
ever be, I cannot help.''
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns,
now please, please help us.
"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''
Clocks
There was this guy named John that went to heaven. He looked around and saw
millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask
a question.
''What's the deal with all these clocks?'' John asked.
''Well,'' said God, ''these clocks tell how much a person masturbates.''
''Well, where's my clock?'' asked John.
''It's in the office,'' replied God. ''We use it as a fan.''
Preistly Golf
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls
his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really
going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone
he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first
swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
Blonde in A Boat
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right
and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing,
with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled
at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like
this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there
and kick your butt!”
Insults
The only difference between your face and a bag of crap is the bag.
Yo Mama is so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating desease the doctor gave her 18 years to live.
Yo Momma's so fat, she uses Tickle Me Elmo for a vibrator!
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
Q & A
Q: What
is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?
A: The way they say ahhhh-men.
Q: What's
the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making
little sleeping bags for mice.
Q: Whats the difference between pea soup and roast beef?
A: Anyone can Roast Beef!
Q: What
did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?
A: Is it mine?
Q: How many
mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, if they're small enough
Q. Why is it called the wonder
bra?
A: Because when they take it off you wonder where her boobs went.
Q: what's
the difference between you getting laid and the pope getting laid?
A: If the pope gets laid its a Sin, if you get laid its a
Miracle
Q: Why'd
they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!
Q: Why isn't
Mexico in the olympics?...
A: Because everyone that can swim, jump, climb, and sprint
are already over the Border
Q: A penny
for your thoughts?
A: A dollar for your death.
Q: What's
an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down undernder!
One Liners
Definition of a born loser: a stowaway on a kamikaze plane.
A husband was asked: Do u
talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
War is like a Whore, it doesn't
stop until the money is gone.
--David Garrity
If at first you don't succeed,
see if the loser gets anything
--David Garrity
Audio
The recordings below have
been made with permission of the mentioned people or mention people that just
don't care.
Numbware advertisment (not true)
Juan (Numbware comment not true, Carlos in laundry room... probably true)
Pictures
Excepting the Beers & Stories and Dick LePine, These pictures
are not copyrighted to me in any way, I did not take them, I found them on
other sites. These are also not meant to be backgrounds, as they are not large
enough to work that way.
Ok now since none of you have a sick mind like me let me paint the picture...
Pine = wood right? yes. DickLeWood Le is french for "of" right?
yes. Dick ofWood
This picture was actually taken by me in Belchertown, MA while visiting
a family freind in the area. The shot was taken froma car going 30 mph so
it didn't come out as good as I wanted.
